Lose Love to Find Love
by iloveRedX
Summary: Raven is devastated when Robin and Starfire wed. Can her old friend Red X help her before she kills herself? LEMON! FIRST EVER R&R


**Hey it's me again. Yes I know I haven't even come close to finishing my other stories and I am so sorry. I have recently been crying too long and I have been too hurt. So, I decided to take that hurt and pain I feel for him and put it into this story. Everything that Raven is feeling for Robin is what I feel for "him" and his girlfriend. But I am sure so you don't care so just get on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: No don't own.**

Lying in my bed, I stare up at my black ceiling. The surrounding walls are also black; they are black like my heart. I have been in my room for three strait weeks, trying to forget the wedding of the century, Robin and Starfire. I was the perfect teammate, the perfect bridesmaid.

"The perfect friend," depression said in a soft voice. She is the only one I can hear now. Love is gone, Happy has left, and Anger is no where to be seen. As for my other emotions they have all disappeared.

"Friend," I snarled out loud. "That's all I will ever be!" I sit up and throw my pillow against the wall and it falls to the floor along with the shredded pillows. My room was tore to pieces; I no longer have the heart to keep it clean. The only thing I see in my mind is them. Him holding her hand as they walked through the hallways of the tower. Him holding her books as she twirls her hair flirting with him with even the way she moves. Him as he kissed away her tears when her Silkie was sick. He is all I can think about! He overrules all my thoughts and all of my emotions. I can't eat without seeing him kiss his bride, without seeing him dance with her, without seeing him ride away to their secret honeymoon. I get so sick; I'm just wasting away into nothing. Maybe that is the best thing for me to do.

I sit up and pull the sleeve of my leotard up, admiring my "art". The scars cover from the inside of my wrist to the crease in my elbow. Most of them are healed over now but I always reopen them, because I can't seem to help but want to feel _something. _All I ever feel in between in numbness. Even just the prick of pain, the prick of a _physical _pain, is enough to make me sardonically smile.

I feel the tears of sadness and the want to die approach me and I grab my razor off of my bedside table. I slide it across fresh skin, the place closest to my wrist. I slide it deep this time, wanting to feel the pain even more. I gasp as the blade slips into my skin, the deep red blood shining in a dark contrast to my pale skin. Six months ago the idea of cutting would have been a joke to me. I guess I didn't understand the pain they, the cutters, feel.

Suddenly a sharp knock at my door makes me jump and I hiss as the blade goes even deeper.

"What," I breathed through the door and I quickly hide my arm and the blade as Cyborg manually open my door. His eyes flickered across my room but soon resettled on me.

"Rob and Star is back. They wanted to see you." I sigh and stand shakily, my body weak from not eating or drinking anything for weeks. Cyborg gasps as he sees my body, the leotard falling off as I grab my cloak. I glare at him and walk by slowly and I hear him running to catch up with me. "Raven! What the hell? Have you not been eating anything?" I ignore him and keep walking.

Once I reach the commons room, I see the happy couple chatting excitedly with Beast Boy. Starfire squeals and rushes at me, pulling me into a tight (too tight) sisterly hug.

"Oh Raven, I have missed you immensely!" I pull away and smile tightly to her and I can see her happiness fade to worry as she stares at me. "Raven… You are so pale, and you have the "bag" under your eyes. And you are skinnier," she proclaims as Robin comes to look me over. I do not retort, and instead start back to the door. Before I leave, I throw a casual "hope it was fun" over my shoulder and walk up to the roof.

Later that night, I hear another knock at my door. Thinking it's my brother, I answer the door in only a tank top and panties still half asleep from trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep.

"Um, Raven?" I look up sharply to see none other then Boy Wonder standing in front of me. I gasp slightly and take a step back, momentarily forgetting my state of undress.

"R-robin what are you doing here," I whisper scared to wake the others. I watch his mask twitch, meaning he was moving his eyes up and down and he smiles slightly (oh god that perfect smile).

"I was on my way to check on you Rae," he says and I feel my heart lift slightly. "Star is really worried." My heart dropped. He is only doing it for Starfire is what I tell myself. He doesn't care, he is just my leader. I look down and cross my arms.

"I'm fine Robin. Go back to Starfire," I whisper starting to close my door. His foot blocks it and he shoves himself into my room. I feel the first real flash of anger at him and shove him against the door. "Leave!" I whisper harshly but he doesn't seem to hear. He has removed his mask and is looking around my room his dark brown eyes wide.

"Raven…what in the world has happened in here," he asks his eyes returning to mine. I shrug it off and reach to open the door when Robin grabs my wrist. I glare at him only to find his beautiful eyes locked on my arm. I try to jerk away but he holds me steady as he brings his eyes back to me. They are filled with hurt, anger and compassion. I look away and he grabs my arm tighter.

"Raven why? Why are you cutting? Why are you depressed? Why haven't you told anyone?" I shake slightly and I look at him as I whisper over and over I don't know. His eyes blaze as he shakes me hard. "Yes you fucking do! Dammit you do!" I feel Anger come out and I jerk away hard screaming as loud as I can.

"BECAUSE YOU CHOSE HER! YOU LOVE HER AND I LOVED YOU!" While he was stunned, I threw his mask at him and pushed him out crying hard into my hands. For once my powers stay under control, there was no havoc on the _outside _of my head but on the _inside _it was chaos. My emotions were screaming and all I could do was cry. I heard Robin whisper my name and I shake my head rushing out my window, wanting to fly somewhere, _anywhere, _to get away from those deep brown eyes. He has his perfect girl, why would he need me.

As I fly, I subconsciously head to the beach on the far side of the town. As I land, in only my tank and panties, I sit on a rock. The gentle breeze and the moon reflecting on the waves is somehow enough to calm me and dry my tears. I sit there for a while not really thinking when I hear a voice behind me.

"You know Raven, it's really too cold to be out here by yourself and half dressed," the man says and I sigh softly. It was Red X. The other Titans thought he had disappeared after he saved our lives that night. I was the only who knew that in reality he was attending Jump High. We had become close friends over the year since then; the only reason is because he had saved my life in a battle, secretly though.

"Jason, go away," I whisper without turning around. I hear him sigh as he walks up and put a blanket around me. Realizing just how cold I was, I wrap myself in his wool blanket. He sits beside me and wraps his arm around me as I lean into him. After few minutes of comfortable silence he leans and whispers.

"Robin is scouring the city for you Rae," he says and I shiver involuntary. I shrug and he chuckles. "It's just him though. I'm guessing you finally told him how you felt?" I nod and he plants a kiss in the crown of my hair. "I'm sorry Raven. He doesn't know what he is missing out on." I shake my head and stand pulling the blanket with me.

"She is perfect Jason: beautiful, smart, strong. She is everything I want to be. She has everything," I say and run a hand through my long hair. I watch the water as I whisper the last part. "I feel like no one will ever want me. I don't know why I'm still living anymore." Jason stands and wraps his arms around me and I lean back starting to cry and he kisses my neck.

"Oh Raven you are selling yourself too short. You are gorgeous. You are so smart. And you are the strongest person I have ever met. You are wrong too. I want you. I love you Raven, and I haven't wanted to say it so long. You were always caught up on him. My God Raven, you couldn't even see the love shining in my eyes those nights I held you as you cried until you fell asleep. I would brush the hair out off of your forehead, cursing Boy Blunder for hurting you. For having your love," he whispered kissing my ear again.

I felt my heart kick into overdrive as I turned and met his ocean deep eyes. I could see it now, when I looked past my love, or what I considered love, for Robin. I saw the love burning deep in his and it stirred me to life as I wrapped my arms around him.

"I can see it now Jason, and I am sorry for hurting you….I care for you so much, but I am scared to let myself fall in love," I whispered.

He smiled and kissed my nose slightly, then let his lips hover over mine. I hesitated before reaching on my tiptoes to press my red lips to his slightly pink ones. I felt a burst in me, like a dam breaking lose letting my emotions free. Jason picks me up slightly and runs his tongue along my lower lip. I open my mouth and his tongue enters, tasting of chocolate and the sweetest wine. I brush my tongue against his, soliciting a moan from the both of us. I pull away to smile at him, my first real smile and he takes the blanket lying it down as a pallet on the rock. He lays me down, hovering over me as he caressed my cheek.

"So beautiful," he whispers kissing me softly, romantically. I run my hands under the front of his shirt, over his muscles, taught and defined. As our tongues magically dance together, one of his hands is holding my hip while the other is tangled in my hair. He slightly grinds into me and I feel his slight bulge press against my wet panties. I moan and he leans up smirking before doing it again, this time on purpose. I moan, eyes widening.

"Does that feel good baby girl," he whispers. Butterflies spread throughout my body and I smile.

"Yes Jason," I moan out as he does it again. He leans to kiss on my neck while running one hand under my tank to cup my breast. My right nipple gets hard as he begins needing the soft flesh. I feel the warmth spread between my legs as he leans up and takes him shirt off only to return to the same position. He looks into my eyes after leaving a hickey on my chest and starts lifting my shirt. I blush but nod, leaning to help him take it off. He smiles at me and presses his body to mine as he kisses me again.

I let my hands trail over his back as I my breast press sensually against his chest. I dip my back, pressing them against him as close as possible and I feel his bulge grow bigger. He leans down and begins licking teasingly around my right nipple while twisting and playing with the left one. His left hand starts to dance its way down my side, learning the curve of my right side. He finally begins sucking my nipple and I moan loudly, my eyes widening as I bow into his mouth. I clutch at his shoulders as his teeth clench down. A mix of pain and pleasure surge through me and I feel the wetness growing in my core.

"Oh, Jason!" I moan as I unintentionally grind up into him. As he switches nipples, I run my hands through his brown hair, my right nipple hardening painfully in the cool night air. When he finishes with my chest, he kisses down my stomach to the top of my panties. Wanting to find release I nudge him to continue but he playfully skips my womanhood. Instead he moves to my legs. He kisses up my legs licking softly along spots and he rubs my thighs.

"Hmm Raven your skin is so soft," he whispers and nips at the inside of my thighs. I moan softly and he chuckles placing a single kiss on the outside of my panties. I gasp as a shock goes through me, one I have never felt before. He looks up to me and slides down my panties slowly. He slides them down my legs with his teeth making me want that mouth even more on my wet hot core. He smirks and leans running the very tip of his tongue up my lower lips. I moan and shivers race up my body as he starts licking my sex.

"Yes…oh Jason," I moan. I grind to his mouth softly. As I feel the pit in my stomach start to feel, I feel my legs tighten as the release is almost there he stops and leans up to kiss me. "Hmm that's mean," I whisper tasting myself on his mouth.

"Raven, what I am about to do will hurt you Baby Girl. Ok," he asks kissing me still. I bite my lip and he kisses me again before going to lick and suck at my clit. I moan smiling again and before I realize it, he sticks his finger inside of me. I momentarily freeze the tiny tears at the corner of my eyes. He whispers and I slowly relax as he continues kissing my womanhood. Soon he starts pumping his finger into me and the pain leaves, replaced by a wonderful, sensual feeling. I moan and start humping slightly as he adds another finger. Before I know it I scream his name as I come over his hand and face. I see spots as I ride it out, Jason still slightly pumping. He pulls back and I pant as he reaches to kiss me.

"How did that feel Baby Girl," he asks smiling at me. I smile and roll us over so I am on top and he looks surprised. I undo his pants and pull down his boxers and pants in one quick motion. My confidence sways as I see his hard pulsing sex in front of me. He chuckles and I look up to see him smirking, thinking he would win this. I smile sweetly beginning to stroke his cock. His eyes widen slightly and I smirk starting to fist his sex leaning to lick the head. He moans and I taste a drop of his precum on my chin. I smile and take a finger wiping it off to lick it. He looks at me with a lustful glance and I smirk taking his cock into my mouth. He bucks into my mouth and I pull back.

"Ow," I whisper chuckling. He looks sheepish.

"I'm sorry Raven," he whispers. I smile before leaning back down to take him in again. This tame he remains still so I began bobbing my head up and down on his manhood. He moans and I smile.

"Wow, this turns him into a blubbering mess," I think to myself as I increase my speed. I feel his length start to throb and I slowly play with his balls (hehe balls). Soon after his hot, white seed shoots into my mouth. I swallow and kiss the tip before leaning to kiss him again. He smiles at me and rolls me over again so he is nestled in between my thighs. He kisses me and mine and his tongue starts fighting for dominance. I noticed him starting to push in and I braced myself as he pushed in slowly.

"Baby just relax the pain will cease," he whispered as he got all the way in and I had tears running from the pain. He whispers soft words of loves watching my eyes and I feel the pain fade. I move my hips to accommodate him and I feel him starting to pull out and push back out. I moan and kiss him hard as he goes faster

"Yes Jason oh faster!" His and my moans fill the air and all of a sudden I scream his name as he moans mine. We climax together and I ride it out with him holding him tight as I breathe harder. He lays down after pulling out of me and we cuddle pulling the other side of the blanket up on us and I lay my head on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat putting me to sleep.

"I love you Jason," I whisper.

"I love you too Baby Girl," he whispers as I fall asleep.

**The End**

**Any questions just ask…please comment.**


End file.
